Independence Day without thinking about rampaging aliens is kinda hard to contemplate these days. Ever since we were visited by those happy go lucky bastards from another solar system, our Fourth of July stands forever connected with brutish extraterrestrial invaders.
Can a deadly force of aliens seeking conquest be taken seriously when they claim to wish our species well? And on the very day we celebrate our independence….
Listen closely…. Can you hear the Close Encounters Of The Third Kind theme? Let’s give peace a chance.
Happy Fourth, Inferior Earthlings
Laugh Trek got down to the nitty gritty – and the intricately encoded cosmic space messages – to see just how genuine these aliens might be. Thankfully, we held our interview by remote conversation – as remote as we could make it. The aliens offered to come by Earth and bring a celebratory feast, but we politely declined. Namely since we thought WE may act as the main celebratory feast.
LT: OK. Let’s get real direct, you know as direct as your energy weapons were when you savagely destroyed our White House. Why should we believe that you guys are now suddenly wishing us well?
A: Translation matrix online…. Processing….. Matrix.. Processing….. Processing…. Independence Day…
LT: Wow. This really blows. I thought all of that tech stuff was taken care of….. How long will we have-
A: Attend! We are here, Inferior Earthling – oh, correction. Matrix… Correcting Algorithm… We mean, Interior Earthling.
LT: Huh? What the hell does Interior Earthling mean?
A: We comprehend how much your emotional interior means to your species. Your people… you are an infinitely Interior race, aren’t you?
LT: Yeah. Right. Anyway, why the sudden friendly greeting? How can we ever trust you after two times brutally attacking our planet?
A: Oh, that was all a woefully sad misunderstanding. We were merely trying to visit your richly endowed world. Some of our people, shall we, how do you say, over acted and overreached somewhat? Many of them were youngsters – you know, the rash impulses of the young.
LT: How can you offer proof of your good or better intentions? Like one of our great rock groups sing, We Won’t Get Fooled Again!
A: Yes, rock groups – your varied minerals…. So rich…. Such a bounty of treasures abound on your world. We look forward to returning to claim that booty for our own.
LT: OK. Cut transmission – this is a friggin joke!
A: Wait! Interior Earthling! Matrix Translation failed… we are correcting…..
Dr. Seuss News: The Cat In The Hat Dates Catwoman
Eddie Steak Serves Up A Cut Of Nonsense Rib Eye
Thor Updates Us: Hulk Farts Are Far Worse