Can a sentient Starfleet android even up the feuding score?  For Commander Data, Science Officer aboard Enterprise 1701-D, it appears a reckoning is in order.  Recently, Wesley Crusher, Acting Ensign on the same Starship commanded by Jean-Luc Picard, went on a rant over his superior abilities compared to Data.  Mister Crusher wasn’t exactly kind to the famed artificial life form. It’s time for the Soong android to respond.

Data Isn’t About Databases

Laugh Trek couldn’t book a warp shuttle to catch up to the famed Galaxy Class Starship, so we had to settle for a subspace holographic conference interview.  Predictably, Data was right on time – since, of course, his timing is digital.

You’re finally responding to Wesley’s trouncing of you – what took you so long?

Query:  Trouncing?  Are you using such descriptive language to imply that I was somehow damaged or otherwise injured by Mister Crusher’s inaccurate summation of mine and his own intellectual abilities?

He crushed you.  Crusher crushed Data.  How’s that – any better for that light speed positronic brain of yours?

I would take objection at your characterization of Wesley’s triumph over me in any way.  Indeed, Mister Crusher labors under many false assumptions which left his appraisal of my performance over his own severely wanting.

So basically you’re saying he’s wrong?

Wesley Crusher is wrong headed, wrong minded and wrong in nearly everything when it comes to me.  (forced chuckles)

Oh.  Whoa.  Wow.  Is that you trying to joke around?

Yes.  Did my attempt at humor provoke any joviality deep within your bowels?

Rest assured, there was a stirring down below.  *Cough* OK. Well, I don’t see how much more we can say about Crusher’s crushing.  Maybe a nice holographic game of parrises squares ought to settle thing up.

I would bust up Wesley Crusher in any physical confrontation you can suggest.  The Enterprise is well equipped with all major athletic gear. Anytime Mister Crusher wants to take me on, he is more than welcome.  As they say, bring it on, baby, big Daddy is here waiting for your vastly inferior butt.