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Dracula says, ‘Stop Making Sucky Vampire Movies’

No More Sucky Vamp Flicks

No More Sucky Vamp Flicks

Dracula, King of Vampires, and the fearsome Lord of the Undead offers a message for filmmakers.  The Count of counts, the silver fanged, blood thirsty royal is never one to back down from being stone cold, even deadly frank in his dealings.  When Dracula gnashes his sharp fangs, smart people listen.  What’s his bloody beef? “Stop making these outrageously lousy vampire movies. I’m sick of the sucky garbage you’re producing.  Enough shitty flicks, please.  I’m sincerely heartbroken over the poor quality of your sucky offerings.”

Vamp It Up Right Or Stake Your Own Damn Heart

Laugh Trek kept vials of purified holy water handy, just in case, and met up with the legendary Dracula for a friendly chat.

We were excited to interview you, but we also were overtaken with numbing fear and dread.  Is that usually the case?

“Pretty much.  No worries though, I just dined.  Besides, if I fed on you, how would you ever finish posting the conversation?”

Sterling and unassailable reasoning, how refreshing, we’d no idea you were so logical.

“How else have I survived and prospered for untold centuries?”

No More Sucky Vamp Flicks
No More Sucky Vamp Flicks

Point taken – but I’m certain not a wooden one!  Anyway, what’s up with you hating modern vamp camp?  Are they truly such garbage, or are you simply a tad jealous you’re not top of the blood hungry heap anymore?

“Look no further than those awful Twilight movies.  Do you really consider that compelling and literate vampire cinema?  Third rate soap or love story, perhaps, but a solid vamp stamp of approval.  Heavens no!”

Heavens?  Interesting choice of phrasing.

“Hey, I can still safely invoke their wrath.  Heaven knows they’re always after me.”

What of new interpretations of your own story and legend?  Any favorites?  Worst?  Best?  Most bizarre?

“Bram Stoker’s Dracula remains an incredible cinematic exercise.  A little bloated, a tad too operatic for some, but for me it’s one of the very best.  Gary Oldman simply, as your younglings say, rocks it out and then some. Worst, well, Dracula: The Untold Story wasn’t the worst, but certainly was weak and diluted of any fright or foreboding.  I am basically evil incarnate – I am not Wolverine nor Spider-Man.  Dracula doesn’t do silly spandex.”