Dr. Beverly Crusher acts as Chief Medical Officer aboard Starship USS Enterprise 1701-E, serving admirably under Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  Crusher efficiently avails herself of modern medical technology.  Indeed, the capable physician is well noted for her expert tricorder protocols.  Also, her biobed and away team prep hypospray training manuals are required reading at Starfleet Medical.  However, chat her up on Medical Holograms – specifically the Starfleet EMH, or Emergency Medical Holograms – and you’ll get a terse assessment.  Crusher’s more than direct in her unforgiving description. “The EMH stinks like a killer fart. They suck ass.”

Not In My Sickbay

Laugh Trek boarded a shuttlecraft to the Enterprise and made a rendezvous with the majestic Starship.  Dr. Crusher made us feel welcome – serving up a tray of exotic goodies in her cozy Sickbay office.

The EMH isn’t welcome in Dr. Beverly Crusher’s Sickbay.  Too much control given over to automation?

“That’s just it, I can work with our ship’s computer.  I routinely assign repetitive tasks to it such as viral cataloging and therapeutic rehab scheduling and monitoring.  The Enterprise computer’s artificial intelligent algorithms operate just intelligent enough to work with quite well – they’re complimentary to human performance.  The EMH (chuckles) here you’re talking about a mind all its own, with a gargantuan ego of its own which eclipses anything I’ve had the displeasure of working alongside.”

Your crew utilizes the Soong Android – Data.  You’re no stranger to working with artificial life forms.

“Excellent point.  Data, is well – Data – he boasts a well developed mind and he’s put in his time in Starfleet Academy, and for years out in the field with our own crew and on other Starships.  An EMH differs in that it is basically an expert database connected to a simulated personality.  Its experiences operate as limited program modules, subroutines – laboratory data sets.  Yes, it can be highly efficient, but I prefer good old real world and real time experience.”

Have you given it a real, out in the field chance?

“During our time tripping encounter with the Borg Queen and her minions, I activated an EMH.  The delay decoy and time it bought my people proved impressive.  Thereafter, I called on it sparingly, but I can honestly say using it never brought anything except a more stressful, competitive atmosphere in Dr. Crusher’s Sickbay.  Starfleet EMH programs totally suck ass.  You can definitely quote me on that one!”