Lucasfilm is using the toy Force to sell Star Wars toys and action figures.  Be honest, how much do you really want to see Episode IX?  You’d better buy a toy – or two, or three.  Bottom line:  The only way to get a movie ticket to see Star Wars: Episode IX is to buy a hunk of colorfully painted plastic.  Movies have sold toys for decades.  Now, can toys sell a movie?  Can action figures and lightsabers Force a fan into the theater?

Use The Marketing Force, Lucasfilm

From Lucasfilm:  “We thought about it.  And we thought about it.  Our toy psychological sales team then thought about it even more.  We finally came to the chilling conclusion:  Fans can’t truly appreciate the full greatness of Episode IX without first purchasing the toys and action figures.  Therefore, the ONLY way to see the next, great cinematic Star Wars experience is to purchase a toy.  Or toys, as many as is humanly possible.”

Star Wars toys, by all recent accounts, haven’t been faring too well.  Toy retailers continue to discount them, yet according to CNBC, those pretty, plastic pals still aren’t moving.  Is this toy/movie ticket gimmick simply a thinly disguised ploy to get rid of the merchandise?

Lucasfilm continued, “Our mission is to tell great, space opera stories.  We’ve been doing just that for over 40 years.  Great stories need scores of non-toxic, painted action figures to properly express narrative plot nuances, to fully liberate the psychological complexity of the characters.  Fans need this.  Yes, we are going to Force fans to buy toys.  It’s for the good of the franchise – um, I mean, it’s good for our loyal fans.”

Soy Toy?  O Boy!

Plans to release a line of Soy Toy are also on the agenda.  “Soy Toy is keeping with many of our fans more natural and gentle lifestyle.  Eat soy, drink soy, go watch Soylo.  It’s a win-win for everybody.”  said a Lucasfilm rep, while downing a jug of soy milk.

To gain much needed perspective on this unique marketing method, Laugh Trek reached out to a few dynamic sources:  Comic Book Pro Secrets and WorldClass Bullshitters.  Both impress as reigning authority figures on Star Wars action figures.  The popular YouTube channel, headed by Ethan Van Scriver simply replied, “Will a J’Rian figure be released?  When can I get a perfectly round head to review?”  WorldClass Bullshitters was more direct, “You can never find too many Rose Tico figures – all the better for a leaning tower to come crashing down.”