Mot wished to pen this op-ed about his days as the barber on Captain Picard’s Starship, the Enterprise 1701-D. – Editor’s Note
If you don’t know what your hair care professional goes through in his or her daily sessions, I’m here to give you a rough idea. You simply cannot get the entire torturous picture from just one article. Aside from running a holographic simulation or actually working in my salon, this is the best I can do.
Most of us simply don’t care about how we look – until it’s too late. They are disasters walking, hair wise. Have you seen any of the hairstyles called trendy? When I was attending barber college, we would have called those things catastrophes. By the time people come to me, it’s nearly too late – the damage has already been done. It’s so depressing.
We are here to make you look and feel good. Hair care technicians celebrate your look and your sense of fashion. Notice I didn’t say ‘fashion sense’, as most humanoids simply are unaware of anything remotely fashionable or trendy. That truth applies especially to Starfleet personnel. Enterprise D crew are far too busy going on secret missions or defending our colonies against incursions by the Cardassians or Borg. Leave the looking good part to us, thank you.
Advice Not Taken
So why do I think my time as a barber on Enterprise sucks? It’s simple, I am being ignored by the command structure of this starship. Captain Picard and Commander Riker don’t heed my advice. We Bolians are an incredibly insightful species. We may not be as sensitive as say the Betazoids or Vulcans, but our insight and tactical strategy is well known. Zakdorn get all the credit and the limelight. I can assure you the famous Zakdorn are highly overrated. Bolians as master strategists are far superior to them.
Being wasted in your natural capacity is one of the saddest things to befall anyone. I am here and I am ready to serve. When Captain Picard, Commander Riker or even Mister Worf walk into my salon, I seek to impart my military know how. I offer crisp, efficient strategy to them. To no avail. Sigh. Even when I give them the best cut of their lives – and with Picard that’s a challenge – they barely thank me. How to properly thank me would be to take my advice seriously. Don’t be too proud, Captain. My scissors and advice are waiting for you.