Captain Kirk Asks: Why Is My Enterprise Crew So Damn Crazy?

Kirk’s Log – Stardate: 12017.16

What an incredible life I have lived!  As I pen this log, I reflect on all the many adventures my noble crew shared and faced with me at their side.  We’ve visited planets which would make the sturdiest soul quake with paralyzing fear.  We met miraculous alien lifeforms which filled us with absolute awe and wonder.  Starship Enterprise earned a legendary status and has now become something of fable.  

Look at me, people.  I am Captain James T. Kirk.  I’m a lucky Starfleet guy.  However, as I look over my life and recall my loyal crew, one nagging thought keeps racing through my mind as I write this retrospective:  Why is my crew so damn crazy?

Spock

What can you say about a Vulcan?  Well, Spock is half human, so there’s no real accounting for such a quirky hybrid.  He can be as cold as stone one minute, and as passionate as a fiery phoenix the next.  Trust me.  You never saw him while watching classic Earth comedy.  His eyebrows arch ever more slightly than usual.  For Spock, that’s the equivalent of bursting out with unconstrained laughter.

He put his soul or his Katra into Bones.  He defied me on more than one occasion.  Spock’s the nuttiest first officer I could have or ever hope for and it’s why we got along so well.

McCoy

Bones.  Even his nickname sounds a bit nuts.  An efficient physician, he’s a self described southern gentleman.  Do they always grow them so darn wacky in the South?

As Chief Medical Officer, McCoy had more power on my ship than even the guy he loved sparring with – Spock.  Bones was the only one who could take away my command on the cause that I was unfit for duty.  I am not sure why he didn’t exercise that privilege more – just to zing me. 

When Spock took a holiday inside his mind, I had two of my best friends looking at me with the same set of eyes.  It was the strangest, yet the most marvelous thing I’ve ever experienced.  Live long and prosper, indeed.

Scotty

His Scottish accent aside, I couldn’t understand Scotty.  I don’t mean his engineering competency – that’s unquestionable.  

I simply can’t understand why he loved those damn engines so much.  Yes, it’s what makes our entire exploratory mission possible, but I’d think after spending so much time with them, he’d want to do anything else.  Man is an extreme beast with technology – thankfully he’s on our side.

Lt. Uhura

Uhura excelled at everything, not only as a superior communications officer.  She served on a bridge with mostly men, yet still found time to put her more personal touch into all of her invaluable work. 

My sympathy for her lay in a frustration dealing with our mostly Enterprise boy’s club.  We boys could be insane many times.  Nuttiest thing about Uhura was the damn thing sticking out of her ear.  What was that all about?

Sulu

Oh my, Sulu.  What can I say about you?  You’re an incredible helmsman.  When you’re dashing around like a swashbuckler from an ancient pirate film you look just perfectly marvelous. 

I’ve gotta say evil Sulu we met in that mirror dimension had a sort of charm you can’t truly pull off, but I’d never trade you in for that crooked two timer.  Sulu, I could do the Hulu for you.

Chekov

Russians.  Russians this.  And Russians that.  Is there anything your precious Russians didn’t do which is worthy of constantly talking about them?  

Your hip haircut stunned us as much as your brilliant smile.  Nuclear Wessels?  I think you should put out a line of T-shirts with that slogan.  You’d make a friggin mint, Pavel.  Kirk & Pavel Inc.?  Let’s talk.

The Others

So many others.  I can’t list them all.  But your Kirk remembers each of you.  Nurse Christine Chapel, Transporter Chief Kyle and Lt. Saavik each have their distinctly weird qualities.  Yeoman Janice Rand performed her duties with distinction.  Still, they all were nutty as a squirrel’s nest.  I sincerely hope each of them secures solid psychological counseling.

Enterprise 1701 was commanded by the one and only Captain Kirk.  My courageous crew explored the galaxy as a one of a kind band of adventurers.  They were the craziest damn bastards I could ever hope to have serve under me, and they inspired me to be a better Starfleet officer and man.  And I’ll finally let you in on a little secret:  I was the craziest bastard of them all!