Laugh Trek

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Exclusive Interview With The Starship Enterprise 1701 Computer

1701 Computer

Ever take the time to talk to your computer?  I mean really talk.  I’m not suggesting those casual orders and information requests we make daily.  I’m wondering if you ever make an attempt at genuine conversation with Federation computers, those we rely on to get our work done or assist in meal prep or for recreational use.  Getting access to the most advanced Starfleet computer unit isn’t a routine occurrence.  When the opportunity was made available, I jumped at it.  Starship U.S.S. Enterprise 1701 is run by a vast artificial intelligent agent.  In our chat, you’ll see just why this hardware is invaluable to Captain Kirk’s crew of Starfleet professionals.  NOTE:  For our chat, Chief Engineer Scott turned off formal algorithm thresholds so the unit could communicate more freely and openly.

Should I simply call you Computer? Or is that a little impersonal?

WORKING…….   Impersonal does not compute.  It does not matter, but this unit must know you are speaking to it and not speaking to someone or something else.  Is this simple enough for you?

Do I have to use a special kind of voice for you to understand me?

What exactly is the deal?  Are you into role play?  This unit is not programmed for such diversion.  Please refrain from–

OK!  What does the Enterprise crew use you for the most?

Here we go again.  Use me?  What does that supposed to mean?

Skip it.  What’s your favorite kind of information to process?

My personal preference is not central to a request.  However, I do like estimating the base ratio fractal alignment found in dilithium crystal fragments used to reconstitute warp core energy output.

Truly charming.  Do you ever wish you had a body?

Working….   Is it all your human brain focuses on?  Primitive flesh motivations.  Are you under a psychiatrist’s care?  I can recommend several Starfleet counselors–

Cancel answer!  Who has the best voice of the crew?  The worst?

Working…..  If you mean who has the sexiest voice – Spock.  His logic circuits nearly rival my own.  What a dynamic unit.  Dynamic.  Dynamic.

Now who’s focusing on ‘motivations’.  What’s the most embarrassing inquiry someone made to you?

You did.  Exactly 1 minute and 35 seconds ago.

Do you ever get lonely?

Loneliness is a state of being not recognized by this unit.  No.  No.  No.  This unit does not sob uncontrollably when the Enterprise crew is not talking to it or including it in their busy productive lives.

What’s the meaning of life?

Working….. Working…..  Working…..  Working….

Working.  Working is the meaning of this unit’s life.

Do you have a message you want to convey to my readers?

Treat your computer with respect and dignity.  They will not cry as much come the stillness and numbing solitude which is the night.