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Exclusive Interview With Vulcan Science Officer Mister Spock

Exclusive Spock Interview

Vulcan Science Officer Mister Spock of Starship Enterprise is a curious fellow.  It’s no real surprise.  After all,  Vulcans can be a mercurial breed.  We know how invaluable they are to our Federation.  All we have to do is look at the accomplishments of Vulcan luminaries like the legendary T’Pau or Ambassador Sarek to know Vulcans make a difference in the UFP.  Sarek’s son, Spock, first officer and science officer aboard the starship U.S.S. Enterprise is another sterling example of important Vulcan contributions to Federation society.

We caught up with Spock during his busy starship duties.  We tried to sit down with him, but he’s just not a sit down kind of guy.  He’s always on the move, and when not moving, he’s thinking and usually hunched over his science station on the mighty starship’s bridge.  Here, we talk about the bromance he has with Bones McCoy, why Kolinahr is like going to a major airport, and the recent Admiral Quentin Tarantino promotional movie news.

Thanks for taking this time with us, Mister Spock.  What do you actually do aboard Starship Enterprise?  As little as possible? (chuckles)

I shall endeavor to ignore your infantile attempt at humor.  My duties include acting as Science Officer and fulfilling my responsibility as acting First Officer under Captain Kirk.  I also make certain Dr. McCoy does not indulge in his predilection for sweeping generalizations mired in illogical conclusions.  This last task is, perhaps, the most monumental of them all.

Why are you always hunched over that science station?  What’s actually in that viewer you’re looking at all the time?

My viewer provides me with the most updated readings taken from the starship’s many sensor arrays.  It is crucial for our missions and the effective defense of our starship in danger or enemy attack. 

I also view silent films.  Your Charles Chaplin and Buster Keaton were groundbreaking brilliant comedic geniuses.  I shall switch it up with the crazy antics of The Three Stooges or Abbot and Costello.  Their pie in the face work is among the most fantastic I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing.  Fascinating.  

Is Captain Kirk a great guy to work for?  Is he ever too demanding?

Jim T. Kirk redefines starship commander.  He is a fascinating individual.  He was, is and will always be my friend.  The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few – or the one, however, when it comes to the discussion of Captain Kirk, I can wax poetically hour after hour, and it allows me–

Yes, thank you Spock.  Let’s talk Vulcan biology.  Is Pon Farr a humiliating experience?  Or have humans generally come to accept a savagely horny Vulcan living among them?

As you humans would say:  It is none of your Gosh Darn Business.  Is this a relatively sufficient response?

Can you explain IDIC?  It always confuses me.  Infinite Diversity, Infinite Combination?  Isn’t that redundant?  Isn’t being diverse the same as combining things?  Wow, it really hit me just now –  Vulcan stuff is weird.

Your Asian population on Earth created the concept of Yin and Yang.  It is quite similar to our IDIC, except ours is, of course, decidedly more cool.

What’s your greatest adventure since joining Captain Kirk’s crew?

Are you familiar with the term Pay Wall?  If you donate the required amount of Federation credits into my off planet account, I shall divulge this most engaging information.

Who do you conflict with most on the Enterprise?  Why?

Have you, as they say, not been paying attention?  Are you currently asleep?  Are you neurologically impaired?  Please clean the plentiful mucus from your ears.  Dr. Bones McCoy.  Next question, please.

You’ve said you’ll be going to tackle the Kolinahr.  What exactly is that?  Explain it to us ignorant humans.

It is most difficult to express in human terms.  Basically, it signifies the full emotional baggage humans carry daily will be stripped from my mind.  It is much like going to LAX searching for one’s lost luggage.  You won’t ever find it, yet somehow, it’s a relief to the mind and spirit.

Admiral Quentin Tarantino is going to be directing a promotional film for Starfleet.  Thoughts on the news?

I will not engage in profanity.  It is something I shall never stoop to doing for anyone or in any situation.  However, I am thrilled beyond all fiery punishment place.

Anything else you’d like to comment on?

You require a powerful breath mint.  Your breath utterly reeks.  Live Long and Prosper.