Starfleet wants their legendary forces well armed and ready for battle. To facilitate properly arming their Starship crews and ground forces, the venerable para-military organization is going back to basics. Want to really kick some extreme ass on the battlefield? This new line of ‘Retro Sidearms’ has something delightful for you.
Back To Starfleet Basics
“Starfleet Basics is our answer to the modern age. Times are changing. So, it’s a Vulcan logical question: Why not go more advanced? Why not get even more technical? We’ll tell you why. Basics work. A bat to the head is going to hurt. It’s going to leave a lump. Hell, it may even draw blood. This is our new combat strategy. Welcome to the future by going back in time to the past: Starfleet Basics.” boasted Admiral T. Itewadd.
The weapons line has already come under severe criticism from more than a few Starfleet veterans. “I can’t use this shit in combat. Are you kidding me? A stick with a nail embedded in it? A paddle ball? What kind of crap is Starfleet trying to pull?” Several more Federation watchdog groups have accused the new weapons line of being a pure cost cutting measure. Can you say cheap?
Much more enthusiastic to the line have been the Klingon warriors who proudly call themselves members of the Federation’s combat elite. “These new weapons are beyond brutal! We highly approve!’ Energy charging time of the sidearms is non applicable, as they’re mostly made of wood and don’t need battery power to work – only blood, sweat, tears, and some truly carpal tunnel syndrome inducing hand cranking.