Darth Vader Speaks

Darth Vader dazzles as a man on fire.  The Dark Side Sith Lord moves with the lighting fast speed of he who’s studied Jedi martial arts his entire life.  Make that lived, breathed and died mastering the fabled fighting.  Despite the fact this fallen Jedi perished by the hand of his evil master and mentor, who was also the Emperor who led the empire to destruction, Vader doesn’t slow down for a second.  I sat down with legendary Vader to talk the Force, the misunderstood Dark Side and The Last Jedi promotional film.  We made sure to be out of his way while his exercise morphed from practice session to full contact blood sport.  Was any innocent blood actually spilled?  We’re not saying, but fully loaded first aid kits were kept handy.

Thanks so much for making time for us, Lord Vader!

You’re most welcome.  Most welcome.  It is the highlight of your inconsequential life.

Let‘s get this out of the way.  Didn’t the Emperor kill you while your son watched after kicking your ass in a lightsaber duel?

The Force allows me to do many things you can’t begin to comprehend.  The Dark Side allows me to do even more.  Your puny mental faculties can’t grasp such complex metaphysics.  Just ask your questions and feel fortunate you are in my presence at all.

Great positive outlook!  So, what exactly is the Dark Side?  For that matter, what is the Force?  It seems so vague.  Such mumbo jumbo.  Shed any light you can on these mind blowing concepts.

Mumbo jumbo?  Would you like to FEEL the Force in full force?

No!  That’s perfectly fine!  An explanation will do as well!

I would require many difficult years or even decades for one such as you to even stumble around in the most basic ways of the Force. As my Jedi master said to me long ago: Dim bulbs never shine brightly.  I shall put it this way:  The Force is power.  The Dark Side is more power.  The Force assists.  The Dark Side compels.  The Force connects us all.  The Dark Side cements us for all time.  Forever.  And forever….. forever……  forever…..

I see!  I think.  I’ll be mulling over that one for quite awhile.  What’s it like being a dread Sith Lord?  Is it as sexy as it sounds?  

It is impressive.  Most impressive.  Aren’t you impressed or even most impressed having this spectacular audience with me?

Darth Vader

Darth Vader

Sure.  Yes.  Of course.  How could I have asked such a simple question?

You’re learning.  

What do you think of The Last Jedi?  Are you excited about seeing it?

I do not get excited over such fairy tales and myths.  Don’t be so easily fooled.  Joseph Campbell was a big, fat hack.  I do not engage in the watching of melodramatic soap operas.  I have far better things to do with my Dark Side obsessed time.

Like turning others over to the Dark Side?

Indeed.  You are learning.  Impressive.  Most impressive, for a limited one.  You could be a fantastic student despite your restricted intelligence.  Let the Dark Side flow.  Feel the Dark Side of the force, my curious Padawan…..  Feel the Dark Side flowing…. I am your father!  Or maybe you’re uncle!  Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

Lord Vader, thank you!  I must depart now.  I so appreciate the time you’ve given us!

Candy ass.

 

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